Stop Trying to Fit In: Finding Your People in University

 

By Sulaiman Rashidat Mopelola

You see them from a distance. Three, four, five, maybe six girls walking together, laughing like they have known each other forever.

And for a moment, you wish you were one of them.

Wanting friendship is natural, but constantly trying to earn a place in an already-established group can make you forget that genuine friendships are supposed to feel mutual.

You see them walking together across campus. They laugh at jokes only they seem to understand, share food, borrow things from one another, and probably have a group chat filled with conversations you will never see. You watch them and think, I want that.

Why do people desperately want to belong to a particular group? Probably because they do not want to be lonely in school.

There are times when you finish a long, tiring lecture and are completely exhausted. You are feeling moody and do not want to relate to anyone, not even your roommates. But there is just that one person or group of people who know exactly how to turn everything around and make the day a hundred times better. Somehow, you forget about the long, exhausting day.

These people are your friends. They might be your best friend, your clique, your day ones, or whatever people call them nowadays.

But this article is about a particular set of people: those who have not found their people yet.

For them, seeing other people with their close friends can bring out a deep longing. They want people they can make memories with. They fear being left out. They may not actually enjoy being alone, but they might find themselves trying desperately to get the attention of one particular group.

They put so much effort into trying to make this one group notice them that they forget there are other people out there who may value them more than they ever imagined.

They live every day comparing their social lives with those of other people, thinking, Maybe I am not good enough. Maybe nobody likes me. Maybe I am alone because I have a bad character.

But when does trying to belong become trying too hard?

It happens when you slowly become a shadow of yourself, being someone you are not just so you can get them to finally notice you.

But friendship is not supposed to be like that. At least, true friendship is not.

Friendship should involve effort, reciprocity, comfort, and, most importantly, acceptance. It should not feel like constantly knocking on a door and hoping someone will eventually let you in.

The next time you find yourself asking, Why don't I have a squad?, ask yourself a different question: Why am I measuring my happiness by whether I belong to someone else's squad?

That question can change a lot of things.

It encourages us to look beyond the most visible groups on campus and notice the people around us. That girl you sit beside during class. The girl who lives two or three rooms away. The person who stays a few floors above or below you. The girl or boy who lives not too far from your hostel.

You begin to notice these people.

Friendship does not always arrive as a perfectly formed squad. Sometimes, it begins with one conversation. Your friends might be your first assigned roommates, your last assigned roommates, your neighbours, or your course mates. Sometimes, you do not even realise that you are building a friendship until you look back and realise how much that person has become a part of your life.

University is also a time of change. People who enter our lives in 200 level may not have been there in 100 level. The friendships we have today may not be the friendships we have tomorrow. We might have more friends, fewer friends, or even a completely new circle.

And that is okay.

So, if you have not found your people yet, perhaps you are not behind. Perhaps you are still finding them.

Or maybe you never will…

Just kidding. You will.

I do not think anyone was created to live completely alone. It might take a while, and it might not happen in the way you imagined, but you will find people who make you feel seen, accepted, and valued.

And maybe the goal is not to squeeze yourself into someone else's circle.

Maybe the goal is to build a circle where nobody has to wonder whether they belong.